I can remember

I can not believe that 2 years ago today I was in the hospital in labor. A part of me feels like it was forever ago and another part of me feels like it was just yesterday. I still can feel every feeling and emotion from that day. Every memory is so vivid. I can remember my Aunt Kathy calling my dad to tell me to push Violet out before midnight so that they could share a birthday. I can remember the Bears and Packers playing MNF (and you know I had this on) In fact, the Bears won in OT. I can remember my sister telling me I had bad breath LOL! I remember Tommy going to smoke and I almost killed him when he came back in because he stunk so bad. I remember everyone eating Del Taco and me telling them and I quote "Get the f**k out of here with that damn food!" I can remember hating the doctor. I can remember loving the night nurse. I can remember singing Silent Night to myself during the height of contractions. I can remember watching the rain fall outside. I can remember my mama holding my hand and rubbing my head. I can remember Tommy telling me how awesome I was. But what I remember the most, no memory of that night will top.....

Tomorrow, you will be 2 my sweet girl. Happy birthday. Mommy loves you as big as the sky <3

**WARNING** Parental Advisory

This entry is real. From my f**king heart. Raw as they come.

I can’t wait for 2010 to be over. 2010 can go to HELL and rot with Hitler. This year has sucked…completely. So much has happened this year that I can’t even wrap my head around it. I knew I had hit rock bottom (emotionally-spiritually) when I no longer gave two flying f**ks about how perfect everybody else was doing. And this is HUGE for me because I used to be the one that was always wanting good news and hated when people weren’t talking or getting along. I quit logging into Facebook because it seemed like everybody had this Stepford life going. It got to a point where it took all my power not to direct message them and say “Seriously, your life can’t be that perfect! Give me a f**king break! I can’t be the only one that life chose to s**t on this year?” Of course I wouldn’t do that. But I was real close. Hell, I can’t promise that I won’t do that before the new year…*kidding*

I have always been there for my friends and always have been the one to lend a shoulder, hand, what have you. But this year, I needed that. It was hard to find though at first because everyone near me seemed to have some serious s**t going on. And let me say that I’m not complaining in the least. My family and friends are there for me and I couldn’t live without each and every one of them. I started realizing that we were all going to need a helping hand. A shoulder to cry on. As the Beatles say “I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends” And so that’s what we did. We talked, we vented, we “got by”.

Over time, things started falling into place. Relationships started mending, friendships were mending along with friendships that needed breaking, well, breaking-sayonara bitches, I won’t miss you in the least. Things were getting better but there I was still feeling like I was losing my mind and then there it was….I lost my house….

Yes, my house. I lost my Ga-damned house to greed filled corporate banking. After numerous hours and papers and phone calls and losing my mind, we lost it and then…I lost it! I held it together for my husband and my daughter. But if you got me in a room with my worst enemy they probably wouldn’t have walked again. That brings me back to hitting rock bottom. Before, I never, and I mean NEVER would want even my worst enemy to hurt. But it got to a point where I didn’t really care. Why shouldn’t he/she hurt? I was hurting so f**k em all!

Now before you go all judgmental and calling the authorities or mental institutions on my ass, please keep reading…..

Joni Mitchell says in the song River: “Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on” I was feeling that every single day. That song would play in my head (especially now at Christmas time since it’s a “Christmas” song of sorts) until one day recently, I looked at Tommy and said “You know what babe, You , Violet and I can make any house a home. We’re gonna be alright” and I started looking for rentals. And I found one. And we move in January 1, 2011..hear that? 2011! A new year, new start! And then in the spirit of putting positive out to the universe, a dear friend put Tommy to work. You have no idea what that means to Tommy and I. We are beyond thankful for the opportunity.

So here I am, 18 days away from 2011 and starting to feel somewhat normal again. And I know it won’t be perfect but I hope it will be better than this year. So cheers to you and yours and here’s to a new year…may yours be filled with happiness and love.

"Be grateful for what u have, somewhere in the world, someone is praying for it"-unknown