I can remember

I can not believe that 2 years ago today I was in the hospital in labor. A part of me feels like it was forever ago and another part of me feels like it was just yesterday. I still can feel every feeling and emotion from that day. Every memory is so vivid. I can remember my Aunt Kathy calling my dad to tell me to push Violet out before midnight so that they could share a birthday. I can remember the Bears and Packers playing MNF (and you know I had this on) In fact, the Bears won in OT. I can remember my sister telling me I had bad breath LOL! I remember Tommy going to smoke and I almost killed him when he came back in because he stunk so bad. I remember everyone eating Del Taco and me telling them and I quote "Get the f**k out of here with that damn food!" I can remember hating the doctor. I can remember loving the night nurse. I can remember singing Silent Night to myself during the height of contractions. I can remember watching the rain fall outside. I can remember my mama holding my hand and rubbing my head. I can remember Tommy telling me how awesome I was. But what I remember the most, no memory of that night will top.....

Tomorrow, you will be 2 my sweet girl. Happy birthday. Mommy loves you as big as the sky <3

**WARNING** Parental Advisory

This entry is real. From my f**king heart. Raw as they come.

I can’t wait for 2010 to be over. 2010 can go to HELL and rot with Hitler. This year has sucked…completely. So much has happened this year that I can’t even wrap my head around it. I knew I had hit rock bottom (emotionally-spiritually) when I no longer gave two flying f**ks about how perfect everybody else was doing. And this is HUGE for me because I used to be the one that was always wanting good news and hated when people weren’t talking or getting along. I quit logging into Facebook because it seemed like everybody had this Stepford life going. It got to a point where it took all my power not to direct message them and say “Seriously, your life can’t be that perfect! Give me a f**king break! I can’t be the only one that life chose to s**t on this year?” Of course I wouldn’t do that. But I was real close. Hell, I can’t promise that I won’t do that before the new year…*kidding*

I have always been there for my friends and always have been the one to lend a shoulder, hand, what have you. But this year, I needed that. It was hard to find though at first because everyone near me seemed to have some serious s**t going on. And let me say that I’m not complaining in the least. My family and friends are there for me and I couldn’t live without each and every one of them. I started realizing that we were all going to need a helping hand. A shoulder to cry on. As the Beatles say “I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends” And so that’s what we did. We talked, we vented, we “got by”.

Over time, things started falling into place. Relationships started mending, friendships were mending along with friendships that needed breaking, well, breaking-sayonara bitches, I won’t miss you in the least. Things were getting better but there I was still feeling like I was losing my mind and then there it was….I lost my house….

Yes, my house. I lost my Ga-damned house to greed filled corporate banking. After numerous hours and papers and phone calls and losing my mind, we lost it and then…I lost it! I held it together for my husband and my daughter. But if you got me in a room with my worst enemy they probably wouldn’t have walked again. That brings me back to hitting rock bottom. Before, I never, and I mean NEVER would want even my worst enemy to hurt. But it got to a point where I didn’t really care. Why shouldn’t he/she hurt? I was hurting so f**k em all!

Now before you go all judgmental and calling the authorities or mental institutions on my ass, please keep reading…..

Joni Mitchell says in the song River: “Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on” I was feeling that every single day. That song would play in my head (especially now at Christmas time since it’s a “Christmas” song of sorts) until one day recently, I looked at Tommy and said “You know what babe, You , Violet and I can make any house a home. We’re gonna be alright” and I started looking for rentals. And I found one. And we move in January 1, 2011..hear that? 2011! A new year, new start! And then in the spirit of putting positive out to the universe, a dear friend put Tommy to work. You have no idea what that means to Tommy and I. We are beyond thankful for the opportunity.

So here I am, 18 days away from 2011 and starting to feel somewhat normal again. And I know it won’t be perfect but I hope it will be better than this year. So cheers to you and yours and here’s to a new year…may yours be filled with happiness and love.

"Be grateful for what u have, somewhere in the world, someone is praying for it"-unknown

2010...to date.

This year is flying by. In 2-1/2 months my baby girl will be 2!!! I can't believe how much kids grow from 1-2. Violet began walking in March. Her vocabulary blows me away. I can not believe how much she talks. She is full on sentences. She sings songs from her favorite shows which include Barney (blah...please make Barney go away), Yo Gabba Gabba, NiHao Kai Lan, Dora, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and just recently Spongebob Squarepants. I know that seems like she's always watching tv but she doesn't watch all those at once. And we try and limit her but sometimes, I have to put on a show just to get dinner ready. And you know what? I'm the mom so that's allowed :)

I also want to say that Violet seems to love Halloween so far. Well, the decorations anyway. I have never been a Halloween person. I love Fall, just not Halloween. That has changed. I just went to Big Lots and got some Halloween decor for the house. She loves it and that makes me smile.

I realize this blog is a bit random but I have to start somewhere since it's been so long. Now that I have a cell phone that is all kinds of awesome, I can do all this stuff (Our computer took a crap this year...the econony has been crap...so no new computer for us)

Wait...she's not a people person like me?!

*I wrote this in February and never posted it. I'm posting it now and then later will blog about her social skills to date:)

When I was pregnant with Violet I would think, as many parents do I'm sure, of what qualities she would inherit from each of us. She could have his laid back outlook on life and not my temper. She could have my love for being around people and not his social anxiety. She could have his skin and my eyes. You get the picture. Well, Violet apparantly has Tommy's social anxiety or maybe it's just a phase. But my dearest friend Mandy's son Cooper just had his 1st bday party. And this is, as Mandy and I like to enforce, Violet's BFF :) Well it was a pretty big bash and Violet was not having any part of it. She would not let me put her down. She was in tears and I went into a full anxiety attack. I didn't know what to do. I crumbled. I ended up leaving a bit early which was a bummer but I just couldn't handle myself any longer. She was great in the car all the way there and all the way home (it was in San Diego). We even had friends and their kids in the car with us and Violet didn't mind that a bit. I guess she just likes her own environment???? I was upset with how I handled the situation. She is only 14 months old for crap's sake. Oh well, maybe in time, she'll get used to different surroundings.

Venting that is not Facebook appropriate

Yes, it has been months and I return to blogging with a full blown poor me session.......Well my baby girl is 20 months now. People are right about it flying by! I'm still not feeling myself. For starters, I'm the heaviest I have ever been and the 100+ stitches I received in the nether region hasn't helped. And for the love of all things holy, don't suggest exercise and eating better as I know that's what needs to be done. That being said, working and parenting seriously don't fucking mix. I feed my family what is convenient and if healthy just happens to be part of that convenience well then whoopty fuckin hoorah. And excersise, well yeah it ain't gonna happen any time soon. Also, years ago before all my friends had a litter of children, there were a lot more gatherings and when I was pregnant I imagined how fun, albeit hectic, it would be for Violet to be a part of that. Well, those things don't happen much anymore. I get it though, its hard enough with one kid, trying to get all together with bunches of kids is super hard. The things I have tried to go to, Violet turns into a socially anxious leg hugging mamas girl so I just decline invitations. And the hardest part has to be the most selfish....I used to be the friend and family member everyone could count on and I find it so hard to be that person now. I can't jump in the car and go hug a friend and lay with her until she feels better. I cant be at a function hours early to help. And yes, being a mom trump any of that but that is who I fucking was. That shit defined me. I am still me but I'm a new me. And it has taken a lot of adjusting. I will wrap this up by saying thanks for the vent sesh. And one more thing, no matter what, I wouldn't trade a thing, except maybe my car for a more gas friendly one but that is another pity me blog in a whole other category.

Chair

I have been wanting to get Violet a chair. I've looked online over and over. i have found some cute ones but I refuse to pay $100 for one. I've checked in various stores from time to time but to no avail. Well an impromptu trip to ToysRUs brought upon their selection of chairs. I really wanted The backyardigans one but they were out so I gave in and bought the Tinkerbell one....AYYYYEEE really? Tinkerbell? Oh well she loves it and it was only $20.

 

 

 

Swing time

Now that we actually had a weekend of nothing to do and the weather was nice, we got a chance to hang up Violet's swing. I actually am going to be a Deebie Downer and say that I actually love the cold and rain and hate going outside but I realized that when it's nice out, my hermit self will have to get outdoors with Violet. Well this swing is a great start, she loved it!

Morning Time

 

I love that Violet wakes up so happy and ready to tackle the world. Not without a little Barney in her favorite chair first, of course.

Few and Far Between

Our evenings are quite routine around here. I get home from work and realize I should have done last night's dishes well, last night. I clean the kitchen while Tommy and Violet play. Next is dinner which consists of Tommy and I trying to teach Violet that she can not share her food with the dog. Then bath time. Followed by some play time, a bottle (because I just can't get rid of it yet) and some snuggles in the rocking chair where she usually falls asleep. Well tonight after the bath, Violet and I were playing in her room when all of the sudden she went to the crib and said "up". I was shocked. So I picked her up. Gave her good night love and laid her down thinking "no way is this really going to work" Well folks, it did. She wanted to go to bed and did so all on her own!! Oh man, if this is a new thing, I'm gonna love it. Hahahaha. I laugh because we all know it's one of those moments that we should cherish because they really are few and far between.

Sweet dreams all!

2010...The year I return to blogging

So it's been FOREVER since I have blogged and I am going to try my hardest to get back to it. I think it is a great thing to do for Violet to look back on.

So above is a collage of pics from Halloween, her 1st birthday and Christmas.

To catch everyone up, she started crawling in September and is still not walking. She says dada, mama, doggie, nana (banana), bye and hi. She'll copy what you say but those are the things that she knows and says. She has so many teeth already and the teething has not been a fun experience. She loves Mojo, our inside dog, and has become a Daddy's girl like you wouldn't believe. She has grown to love football and watches it with me and claps twice after I yell "Defense"...melts my heart

Violet continues to amaze me every single day.

I am still learning how to juggle motherhood, family relationships, friendships and work. It is unbelievably hard but I wouldn't trade where I am at for the World!

And the best news of all......

My beloved Saints are going to the Superbowl for the 1st time in franchise history....WOOHOOO